Lana Lost

I forgot to mention, I helped brian pick out a dog, its basically my new dog too.... He is Jack the collie, he is my little mush ball

IMAGE_084

I miss him.... I hate it when I am lonely I eat everything in sight, its bad.....

This morning, Brian was going to come get me at 11:30 am, but then he realized since the courts had fucked up all this stuff with his little sister then he has to pick her up everyday at 12:30, which sucks. Once he got her, he came here, and SURPRISE! He cleaned his car, hooray for foot room, lol. Then we went to the bar, we kind of kept everything a secret from his sister Katie, because she is very close with Jenn, Jenn is like the sister/mother figure she kind of needs. On a side note,  Jen read all the text messages between the two of us yesterday and is now bugging out, badly.  I am a little afraid of Jen, i can't believe she is getting masters in pyschology, it just goes to show anyone can be one nowadays, and that is truly disturbing. So almost all the time, I stayed in the basement and worked on a bunch of photo-shop designs for him. The Calender I made actually came out pretty good. And we would come down whenever he had the chance and give me a hug and kiss. It was nice, it just sucked because the time we are closest are when he is driving, because we could talk about anything but we couldn't with his sister there and that made me a sad panda. I miss him terribly right now.

while we were in the car, Cory started to call me and I started to panic, so Brian walked me into my dorm when we got to the college, which was good because I could actually kiss him, AND he gave me brass knuckles, so i would feel protected when he wasn't around even if i never used them. And I let him go home because he had to get his sister home and go work the bar plus Yenny was coming down, she'll be down all weekend.

Yenny is his ex girlfriend and every two weeks or so, she comes down to visit him because she loves him still, but I know for a fact he doesn't love her really because she cheated on him and broke his heart and he would never go back into that situation, and the kicker was she did it at his ex best friends house. He's had a lot of heart break and so have I, so i think we compliment each other well I think.

Two Nights ago, i was with him till after he closed the bar. And we were having this in depth conversation, and I honestly thought  he was breaking up with me, but it was really just his odd way of telling me that he cares about me and never wants to hurt me and he is so afraid he will. I can't help up admire that he is so upfront about everything. and he was like " i know that I am no where being ready for a relationship, but then i met you and I like it" and I really like that about him, I just  pray he is feeling the say, even though he is saying all that, which everything in my life I am always a little doubtful.

I am the worst journal keeper on the face of the planet. So much had been going on.... Dance is great I am now in the championship class level 2 and I was assigned my set pieces : Orange Rouge and Blue Eyed Rascal.

Lee and I broke up..... and things with Brian start (i really havent told anyone about him really but he owns the bar across from the dance studio in E.Nprt. and he is amazing.... among other things. As a matter of fact I am in the bar now, writting this, I am really happy I am smiling more than ever) Brian is an emt and firefighter. and we both love ketchup and have Crazy (meaning really fucking crazy) ex's, both of which think they are marrying us. I think his tops Cory tho, never thought I would say that, Maybe his ex, Jen and Cory would be perfect for each other.

Cory is out of my life, he thinks i am in a pyshic ward but i can live with that. Just we got in this huge fight because i was supposed to go there and I couldn't get the money to go and he freaked out, and started screaming about how dumb and useless I was. And I just couldnt take it....

So thats info for now..... I really need to undate this more

Here I am sitting in the corner of David's basement, alone yet not alone, Kelly is here, David is here, but they are intertwined in their own world on the other side of the basement, the table with the TV on it between us, keeping the two of them from seeing me, or from I seeing them. It is quite obvious to say I cannot sleep, it is far from my mind, as much as I think I should, I cannot shut off my brain. Headphones are blasting into my ears, and I feel as though something is crawling on me yet I don't feel like moving. Feeling oddly creative, I find myself looking at the ceiling, making pictures in my mind, pondering the things I always ponder. Love, death, living, air, music, art, sex.... all streaming across my mind only to vary because of what song is humming into my ears. The thoughts are always contradicting each other, or they are pushing an envelope, hitting a button of some kind in my heart. I have a lingering worry that I am not capable of actual love, undying unwavering love. I've been losing faith in myself everyday in other, yet pushing towards goals harder than before, now i have something to prove to myself. In love and in life, it feels as though I cannot make an movement toward a conclusion without hurting myself or someone else in the process, I cannot decide because I cannot let go without a loss. a major loss. So a dead hault is where I stand and i am becoming more and more claustrophobic, more confused

2008 is the Year of the Rat.  Which animal year were you born in?

year of the dragon.....

2008 is the Year of the Rat.  Which animal year were you born in?

year of the dragon.....

What's one thing you regret doing, or not doing? 
Submitted by ashleyy.

I should have stayed..... I should have called..... I should have not eaten that half of a pizza.... I should thought about this more.... I should have stuck with it..... i should have been more forgiving/open-minded/caring/sensitive/realistic..... I should have given you some slack..... i should have done more

I shouldn't have given up.... I should not have given in.... I should have not done that.... I should not have been such a bitch.... I should not have let go..... I should not have succumbed.... I should have not done many things

What are 10 things you want to say out loud but you can't? 
Submitted by alix.

1.)  I still love you
2.)  I faked it when we had sex, and I've never orgasmed
3.)  I can't finish this, its too hard
4.) 

I stronglybelieve that I am a horrid blog keeper, I just get to wrapped up in other shit to update even though I do like it when I update because you can read it and I can read it like 3 years from now, that reminds me, I am going to go look at my other blog on mindsay! , BBS hopefully

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, because i'm not perfect, i'm not her, i'm not perfect.
I don't have the clearest skin, or the most toned tummy. But I guarentee I love twice as much as she.
My love hasn't faltered only you think is has because of how I have to safe you.

I'll cry my self to sleep tonight, because she is so fucking gorgeous, and you can't even see me